Strengthening Relationships through Secure Attachment: Connection to Ourselves and Others
Attachment is about how safe, secure, and connected we are and feel in our relationships, particularly our closest relationships as well as how safe and connected we feel with ourselves.
The reality is that many of us don’t always feel secure in relationships all the time. Learning more about attachment is one way to gain some insight regarding relationship dynamics. This insight has the potential to help promote healing in regards to the past and to help shift current relationship dynamics in a transformative, positive way.
Many times we consider how we feel in relationships to be the fault of our partner or other loved one. This can play out in different ways, but may look and sound like “You don’t show me you love me enough” or “You are so controlling. You don’t give me the space I need.” However, many times how we feel is related to our own trauma and relationship patterns from the past. In this way, oftentimes the past projects onto current relationships in ways that we do not even realize.
”We act out what we can’t see or understand unless the light of
awareness and compassion extinguishes the dark places
that keep us wounded and unavailable.”
-Diane Poole Heller in The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships
Attachment is formed early in our lives, highlighting the significant role that parents and caretakers have in connecting securely with their own children, yet the good news is that just because attachment is formed early, we do not have to be stuck in relationship patterns. There is hope for healing, insight, growth, change, and practice, so that more healthy attachment becomes the norm. In essence, moving towards secure attachment is always available and accessible. The invitation is there. It is possible.
Attachment Styles
While attachment is the larger theme, there are various attachment styles that provide more specifics in highlighting relationship patterns. Of course, attachment styles are not fixed, and while we all may generally have one style that is more of our norm, stress or other kinds of triggers can provoke a response more in line with other attachment patterns. We may also have one pattern more at play in romantic relationships and have other dynamics with our children, our parents, siblings, or other close people.
What are these other patterns of attachment? Keep in mind that sharing these styles is not meant to box anyone in, but instead to shine light on some interpersonal dynamics. With self-awareness we are all more in a position to disrupt auto-pilot responses and move towards desired changes in our relationship patterns.
Secure Attachment:
Secure attachment is the ideal standard for healthy relationships because it encourages the most confidence and freedom within relationships because we trust that we are loved and cared for. This secure attachment stance helps us flow between time with our closest people and time apart, kind of like a child being dropped off for school, hugging their parent good-bye, and trusting that their parent will come back for them. There is an overall confidence that abandonment is not to be feared, and that acceptance is present, in that you are loved simply as you are.
There is a healthy sense of interdependence going on, recognizing that while okay alone, you benefit and have need for other people in your life. With secure attachment, you benefit from connecting with others, yet you nurture your ability to self-soothe when apart from others, which helps for more seamless flow between time together and time apart. When we practice secure attachment, there is joy in connecting, and yet trust and rest when apart, instead of anguish and fear.
Avoidant Attachment:
Avoidant attachment is about believing that you can’t trust or depend on anyone. There is a deep rooted belief that the only way for your needs to be met is to meet them yourself. While we tend to value independence and autonomy in the wider culture, you could say that the avoidant attachment style takes these ideals too far because there is emotional isolation. For the person in patterns of avoidant attachment, closeness and intimacy may be incredibly difficult. It’s too vulnerable. The world is much safer when closeness is avoided. The avoidant attached person may come across as cold or disengaged. The truth is that the more avoidant need relationships too.
Ambivalent Attachment:
Ambivalent attachment is characterized by a great deal of anxiety in that someone in this place needs a lot of reassurance from his or her close people that they are cared for and that their loved one is not going anywhere. With ambivalent attachment you live in a pretty high state of arousal, which often corresponds with high anxiety. Living in this state may mean that you fear that someone will abandon you at any moment. This makes it very difficult to trust and to relax.
A person with this ambivalent attachment style may have big reactions that seem to be out of proportion to what actually happened. Those with the ambivalent attachment style may be told that they are too needy, clingy, emotional, etc. When someone does hurt or leave them, it reinforces the anxiety. This often looks like overfocusing on others and their emotions as expressed in this quote: “We become so emerged in the vicissitudes of others that we lose contact with ourself.” -Diane Poole Heller in The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships
Disorganized Attachment:
Disorganized attachment comes about when the care-givers who are supposed to be a place of safety, become instead those you fear. In adulthood this looks like inconsistent reactions and incredible difficulty trusting others. This may look like an unpredictable combination of both avoidant and ambivalent styles. It may manifest as a lot of “come, be close to me, now go away as I’m afraid.”
Let's Talk Relationships
Avoidant:
If you are more avoidant, consider challenging yourself to come a little closer to your people. Begin to notice how your life is made better by your connections with others. Practice a little healthy dependence by asking for what you need even if it's uncomfortable for you.
If you are in a Relationship with Someone with Avoidant Attachment:
Recognize that his/her need for space is more about your partner or other loved one and not about you. This helps you take their actions and behavior less personally. Communicate what you want and need, yet give them space to process before they might be ready to connect.
Ambivalent:
If you are more ambivalent and anxious, ground yourself in the truth that you are working through a narrative that is not the fault of your current partner. Seek to self-soothe and hone self-regulation, so that you are able to experience calm even when the other person cannot provide that for you. Press into the truth that you are of incredible value and worth, no matter the reactions and feelings of someone else. Remember that everything is not about you. People have their own feelings independent of you and how they feel about you.
If you are in a Relationship with Someone with Ambivalent Attachment:
What they need most from a partner may be the hardest for you to give as often reassurance is more readily given when there is some breathing room in the relationship. Recognize that they are not trying to control you, but that their nervous system is literally hyperaroused. You can help co-regulate them by helping them feel safe until they are more able to draw on self-soothing, regulating on their own. When you travel or leave the home, etc., they may need extra assurance that you will be back or may need to hear from you more often through a phone call or text. By being consistent and reliable, it may encourage them to rest more securely in your love and care for them.
Disorganized:
If you are more disorganized, then drill into experiencing a sense of safety. Perhaps what you needed to feel safe for years is no longer necessary. Is it possible that there is an invitation for you to lay down those defenses? What support do you need to feel more safe and secure now?
If you are in a Relationship with someone with Disorganized Attachment:
In many ways, the other person is stuck in a threat response. You can encourage healthier dynamics by disarming fear and encouraging dynamics of emotional and physical safety.
Other People’s Attachment Wounds and Styles
It is not up to you to heal the wounds of someone you care about such as parents, partners, etc.. However, you can help influence dynamics in a positive way by choosing how you respond, being consistent, having clear boundaries, being honest and authentic instead of playing games, being able to voice your needs and wants, etc. By being authentic and congruent yourself, you may influence the other person you are close to to trust more, etc. Experiencing a safe relationship is transformative, however, remember that connection is the goal versus saving, rescuing, or changing someone you love.
If you are parenting a child who has been through trauma, consider a proactive approach to helping your child process the trauma and support you in helping build and nurture secure healthy attachment with your child. A licensed counselor can be an incredible support.
Self-Reflection
Is trauma or hurt from the past affecting your current relationships?
When you react to something your partner, child, or other close person does, are you reacting to them alone or is something from the past affecting your response?
What would it feel like for you to move towards secure attachment?
What would secure attachment look like in your life?
How might some understanding of attachment help you to have compassion for how you have navigated prior relationships? It may be that when you look at your own behavior through an attachment lens, there is less judgment and more self-compassion.
What does the idea of becoming more connected to yourself mean to you and how might that influence your relationships for the better?
Elizabeth B. Burton is a licensed professional counselor and life coach with Burton Counseling, PLLC. Elizabeth lives just outside of Chattanooga, TN.; you can learn about Elizabeth here and about services provided here. Elizabeth also provides support to individuals and groups through an online course on Coping with Anxiety & Stress and through providing workshops and speaking opportunities. Elizabeth communicates about mental health and well-being through both the Narrating Hope newsletter and podcast as well as through her writing. Elizabeth would love to connect with you and welcomes you to sign up for the newsletter, listen in to the podcast, reach out about working together, and connect on social media.