Secure Attachment and Children: Promoting Connection while Letting Go of Pressure and Perfection
Secure attachment is certainly worth striving for, yet how do we aspire without feeling pressure to be perfect and get everything just right? Pressure and perfection are such pervasive themes among parents in our culture today that it can be hard not to assume even more pressure towards perfection and feel even more overwhelmed by bringing up this topic.
I felt this tension most pronounced when I was a new mom, seeking to navigate how to bond and attach to our child and feeling so much pressure to get it just right. I was aspiring so much towards attachment that I faultily concluded that I need not put him down–that he must be held and carried at all times. This was not because he cried all the time and wanted me to hold him; this was solely because of what I thought he needed to attach. This meant that I was cooking while wearing him in a baby carrier, and let’s just say it did not go well. While baby carriers can be incredible especially for babies that love being held, and some moms may enjoy cooking and wearing their baby, I myself was being motivated by “shoulds” and could have really used a compassionate voice letting me know that it was okay to put my baby down in a safe place, so that I could spend a few minutes making dinner. Over time I have worked to cultivate a more compassionate inner voice in relation to parenting and parenting decisions, but it has taken awhile!
So, let’s explore together how we hold up secure attachment as a worthy goal while at the same time letting go of pressure and perfection to get it just right!
Secure attachment is about feeling safe and connected in relationships both physically and emotionally. It’s about being at ease, accepted, trusting someone’s love for you, etc. It’s about trusting that someone will care for you, show up for you, be there for you, and meet your needs as best they can (notice that meeting needs PERFECTLY is not included in this description). This kind of dynamic is what strengthens our ability to navigate closeness and togetherness as well as time apart. Like the name implies, it’s about being securely held and valued. If you did not read last month’s newsletter and blog post on secure attachment, consider taking a few minutes to read it as this content makes more sense when you link the two together.
How do we cultivate secure attachment in our children?
By being a steady care-giver in their lives–steady as in not giving up on them and fleeing when it is so hard.
By turning back towards our kids–emphasizing repair, apologies, forgiveness, hugs after times the connection feels broken or interrupted.
By moving towards secure attachment ourselves and working through our own wounds, traumas, and insecurities, so that we are more able to show up for them.
"Good Enough" Parenting:
Does a parent have to be perfect to encourage secure attachment in their children?
No, Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, coined the term “good enough mother” back in the 50s emphasizing that perfection is not the goal and can even be harmful. “Good enough” thinking is a softer place to land with most things–around the house, cooking, etc. So many times perfection’s voice says that something is not good enough, which often leads many of us to not even try and to give up before we start. Perfection often can paralyze us. In addition, perfection often leads to shame which is really not a good motivator.
“Good enough” parenting does not condone neglect or abuse of children or not responding to their needs, it’s simply a more compassionate view that elevates the consistency and care that most parents are showing their children as significant. Mistakes made along the way are an opportunity for growth and repair and for children to learn from their parents. Adapting a “good enough” parenting approach gives parents some breathing room to be real, which I would argue may help parents be more present after all. When we feel more like people and less like automated robots and machines, is it possible it’s better for us too?
Elevate the 30%:
Edward Tronick is a developmental psychologist, and his work very much emphasizes the importance of responding to a child's needs, yet his work is grounded in compassionate reassurance. For many parents, this can be such a relief compared to the pressure that comes with setting unrealistic standards of perfect attunement and connection with a child at every moment.
Specifically, his work emphasizes that parents foster secure attachment by being attuned to their child’s emotions and needs 20-30% of the time! His work emphasizes the rule of thirds, normalizing that another third of the time parents just miss what’s going on with their child and may not be able to really give their child what they need. The other 30-ish% is about the power of repair in the relationship. In many ways, this may be the most important percentage as it’s about the power of turning back toward your child after conflict and miscommunication, and seeking to connect. You can read more about the significance of repair in this Chattanooga Moms post.
Self-Reflection:
How might you foster secure attachment with your child or children?
What would embracing “good enough” parenting look like for you?
If you feel pressure to get parenting perfect, what might exhaling and letting go of this pressure to be perfect feel like for you?
How securely attached do you feel in your own close relationships?
Elizabeth B. Burton is a licensed professional counselor and life coach with Burton Counseling, PLLC. Elizabeth lives just outside of Chattanooga, TN.; you can learn about Elizabeth here and about services provided here. Elizabeth also provides support to individuals and groups through an online course on Coping with Anxiety & Stress and through providing workshops and speaking opportunities. Elizabeth communicates about mental health and well-being through both the Narrating Hope newsletter and podcast as well as through her writing. Elizabeth would love to connect with you and welcomes you to sign up for the newsletter, listen in to the podcast, reach out about working together, and connect on social media.