…If the message that is looping in your head is a message of anxiety telling you to avoid something that's actually healthy for you, good for you, that's something that you want in your life, but you're avoiding it because that anxiety message is so strong, then consider really writing it down, typing it out, externalizing it, and connecting it with anxiety's voice and see if that creates some distance for you. Sometimes just that shift alone is so significant that it can help you really begin to work towards that claiming of a more true narrative.

…But it's just where do I have room to speak into the dynamic? Where can I create some breathing room so that I can say yes to my commitments and responsibilities in a more sustainable way, so that I have recovered between stressors, so that I have rested and been refueled?…Do I have white space or do I feel so rushed, hurried, programmed and scheduled that there's not even time to sit down or to think, or to reflect or to play or to rest? And is that how you want to live?…

…Yet sometimes with stress and anxiety and often perfectionism or a lot of pressure to get it right and to have this perfect image, we can move towards a realm of overfunctioning. And what that means is that it's not really about working hard or showing up or valuing excellence or great work ethic or anything like that. It's more about moving into a realm of having to be all things at all times or perfect at all times or to rescue, instead of really recognizing that we all have limits and that it's okay to do the best you can…

I hope that it's encouraging for anyone listening who has tried counseling before and it wasn't a great experience. It may be that the relationship wasn't what it needed to be. And does that mean you have to write off counseling altogether? Or is it possible that there could be a better connection with a different counselor?

And so my hope would be today that if you are someone who can very much relate to, yes, I have that scarcity mindset, then take notice. Where does it show up in your life? Is it about your body? Is it about your finances? Is it about your home, your profession, your parenting, your personality? And by noticing it and being cognizant that you naturally maybe go to that thought narrative, then you're in a position to intentionally consider what is it about these pictures or this other person's story that I'm hearing that's maybe a longing for me, and I can name that and I can notice it.

And once you can identify a core belief or two that might be driving a lot of your choices and your behavior, then when you're ready, you can begin to challenge those beliefs and work towards a reframe. So, for example, if my belief is that I need to please people at all times, I can work towards a more realistic understanding of relationships-- that it's not my job to please people at all times, but I can still value peacemaking and pleasing as something I generally bring to the table.

And what I really love is to elevate authenticity instead of perfectionism. Because you are a human being, and as a human being, how can you be real? And often being authentic is vulnerable, so sometimes we kind of shy away from that. And perfectionism feels kind of like a shield, like something we can hide behind…

Not only is that not true, but maybe there's an alternative narrative. Something like, “I'm a person of worth and value, and there's a seat at the table for me, and I'm allowed to take up some space. I'm allowed to have a voice and to show up as I am.” Not based on my accomplishments or my accolades or my productivity or my appearance or the size of my body or the state of my bank account, my relationship status, my ability to play sports or to cook a good meal or to have a beautifully decorated home or really, really nice clothes. None of that is related to that inherent worthiness. It is a given. It is a non negotiable in a world that maybe doesn't tell us that. And so we have to work to cultivate that for ourselves.

Many times the asks for our time are greater than maybe what we really have to give. And in that we're acknowledging some degree of having limits. As human beings, we are all capable of giving so much and doing so much. But sometimes we do need to rest, sometimes we do need to regroup. And so if part of the state of overwhelm is coming from a state of frenzy… “I don't have time because I'm never home,” then please consider looking at your calendar.

And a lot of our life is like this. We look for the negative. We look for what's not going well, what hurts us, what pains us. And while it is important to name those things and to make space for those things, we don't want to fixate our gaze, in a sense, in our minds, only on those things without grounding ourselves in the wider narrative so that we also take in what we're thankful for, what we're grateful for, noticing often through the lens of small things, the things that sustain us, the things that bring delight, the places in our life where we can say, “I have enough and it is good, and thank you, and I'm grateful.”

Just as that is one dimension, we also have this other dimension of meaning making, even in the hardest of times of beginning to ask the question—okay, given this reality, what brings joy or hope or any kind of meaning to this holiday season? What makes it feel more bearable? What sparks some light, kind of like opening a door or lifting a shade to a window? What brings light into this holiday season for me or what might bring it into this holiday season for my family?

And if you are experiencing a lot of burnout and a lot of stress, sometimes we really do need to examine our work itself. Certainly that can be a factor. And yet sometimes if we just look at our rhythms and ask ourselves —am I claiming space for rest? Am I claiming space for play? And if not, how can I cultivate that and then reflect back on how I feel. Because maybe the problem may not be work itself, it may be how we approach it, and it may be the boundaries we have around it. It may be what happens in that space outside of work. And this is really something that is not like flipping a switch. This is about a posture of kind of tuning in, of reflecting, of reexamining, of curiosity, and of trying some different things…

So if the narrative in your mind is accusatory, is condemning, is harsh, is extremely critical, that's more of that self-judgment. It's not really helpful. And it takes something that's already hard, the event itself or the emotion itself or the circumstance, and it makes it so much harder because of the state it can kind of bring a person into when whereas self-compassion through self kindness is going to be more graceful, more forgiving, and it doesn't mean that you have to justify everything as no big deal…There still can be a true admittance of “I made a mistake or I didn't handle that in a way that I value or the way that I want.” But the message, the narrative is more about kindness, forgiveness, grace, and kind of a new day mindset…it's less all or nothing. All is not lost. And so it encourages someone to keep, keep striving and keep going and not lose hope.

And so however this lands with you today, I just want to encourage you to think about it, to get curious, to pause, to be reflective. What makes you feel like a person and are you making space for that? Are you leaning into that? Are you giving yourself permission to nurture and care for yourself? This ties into the larger concept of soul care. It encourages well-being and it also really connects to identity and can be, like I said, very rooting and grounding in difficult times.

...If you are listening today and you are in a marriage or a really close relationship with someone and that person's well being matters to you or is a top priority for you, that it is quite a gift to give that person to stop and pause and ask them what do they need?

But this question is really asking about where am I taking on extra weight when it's not mine to carry? Where am I feeling extra responsibility or burden to fix something or to change something or to solve something?

But anytime someone moves to a new town or goes through any kind of major life change, some of the dynamics that can occur are that there can be a lot of loneliness. And again, even in the best of changes, it can feel so jolting that it's like, Who are my people? Am I alone? Am I connected? How do I feel?

A concept that comes up a lot in the counseling world is just really noticing, even in your body, if you feel heavier and weighted down or if you feel lighter. And often with that lighter kind of dynamic comes more of a sense of freedom and more of a sense of encouragement kind of being lifted. And when that happens, it's just such a gift. And so, again, pay attention to your friendships. Which ones because of their kindness, because of their authenticity, because of how much they care for you and how they encourage you, refresh you on a soul level?

And also, when we can name what we value the most, it can really help with kind of as a byproduct, really creating some openness and flexibility about the rest. So, for instance, if we value kindness the most in a friend or trustworthiness, then that's going to be a core value that really guides making and deepening friendships. And yet, when our core value is not what brand shoes someone has or what their hair looks like, then there is this openness to, you know, someone whose hair is different than yours, or who wears different kinds of shoes than your child does or than you do. And it's really a beautiful thing.

I just wanted to share about the concept of really delighting in the small things, especially in the midst of everyday life, which sometimes can feel arduous and mundane and difficult. And sometimes it can be hard to even notice things that delight our souls. And yet that is such a foundational part of well being, and particularly the concept of soul care, which basically is self care and yet of a deeper variety...