Our Ideals and Our Reality: Letting Go of Perfection & Yet Still Aspiring
Do you ever find yourself living in the space where your ideals clash against your reality? In this space, we experience the tension and turmoil of wanting things to be one way and yet we are faced with the reality of what is actually happening.
Some of us are more idealistic than others. For the idealists out there, you may find yourself in this space quite often. And, yet, I think many of us can probably relate.
Think for a moment about how you want things to be---
In our careers we hope to excel, move forward, earn a certain salary to allow a certain lifestyle, and the reality is that that may not be happening. Or maybe our workplace ideal looks something like this--we want to serve, have deep meaning and purpose in our work, or have quality work relationships, and yet none of that has come to pass.
Think beyond careers to things at home. Some of us hoped to be married and for a story of love and commitment that has not come to be or that seemed that way for a while before everything came crashing down.
Even in marriage or a significant relationship, sometimes we idealize the depth of connection that we believe should exist all the time, and yet the reality is that there is still loneliness in marriage, and one person cannot possibly meet all your needs.
In parenting we are faced with striving to give our children the ideal experiences and a loving relationship. We may find ourselves working hard to uphold an ideal in how they are dressed, how they behave, what they eat, their activities, and yet the reality is that our children are separate human beings whom we cannot control. They are real people, and real people cannot always meet our ideals.
Many times in parenting we idealize how we should be as a parent, and yet we fall short over and over.
This translates even into material ideals and comforts for a home and a car and then we take it a step further and may idealize a clean home and a clean car, and the reality is that when people live in such home and ride in such car, it can not possibly meet such an ideal AT ALL TIMES.
As the holidays approach, we may find ourselves idealizing how we want it to go in all respects--home decorations, delicious food, perfectly thoughtful and wrapped presents, everyone present and healthy, the absence of anxiety and stress, and pure joy on the day of the holiday rather than any conflict or sadness that might arise in ourselves and our families.
And beyond our homes this dynamic may continue to how we idealize our bodies, our health, our friendships, our neighborhoods, the communities in which we live, and the world at large. We long for ideals of peace and the absence of terror, accidents, and disease.
At times our ideals are far from our reality, and they may seem like a total pipedream. Other times our ideals are met sometimes, and when they are not, we find ourselves deeply disappointed and/or frustrated. And when our ideals do happen and truly are our reality, we sometimes rejoice and other times we find that they are not everything that we made them out to be.
It is so good to long for good things. Ideals are purposeful and not to be dismissed. Should we not strive for peace, kindness, order, and love in our homes and in the world? Yet, what do we do with the continual dynamic of facing the reality of what is when our ideals are not manifested? ...When our ideals do not come to fruition...when we are left with pain and deep, deep disappointment, heartbreak, grief, and despair.
First of all, acknowledge when you are in this space and recognize it for what it is.
Seek to name what you idealized and acknowledge the reality. Example: I envisioned ___________________ and yet this is the reality.
Reflect on the feelings that you are experiencing. Example, when this ideal is not met, I feel so _______________. Many times it’s helpful to name multiple feelings and to acknowledge that often our emotions are multi-faceted, dimensional, and not so simple as to categorize as one single emotion.
We then have a choice. Do we abandon all ideals because of the reality or do we gently keep aspiring towards the ideal we value?
It may depend some on what the ideal is. If our ideal is PERFECTION, then the sooner we lay it down and abandon it, the more quickly we will usher in more PEACE and ACCEPTANCE with how we go about our lives.
No house can be perfect at all times.
No child behaves perfectly at all times.
No marriage holds endless companionship and connection at every moment.
No clothes are always without a wrinkle or something spilled on them.
Perfection is an illusion, and many of us find ourselves chasing perfection as an obsession, leaving us always unfulfilled and exhausted. If we can filter out and let go of our perfectionistic ideals, we can then move towards what is good or at least good enough with more fervor and clarity.
If our ideals are not perfection, but good, then consider them there for a purpose. For instance, being a CALM parent is an ideal that may not be met every second of every day, yet it is good to keep aspiring towards parenting kids with calmness and kindness.
When our ideals are for more kindness, more peace, more joy, and more freedom in our spirits and in our interactions with others, these are ideals that need not be abandoned, yet can be turned back to over and over again.
These ideals are gentle and they beckon our return even after not being met because they are good. These ideals move us to apologize, to reconcile, to restore, to turn back towards each other with forgiveness and acceptance acknowledging that ideals are not constantly met and yet they are still worth striving for. When we can embrace this, we are all more likely to experience this intersection of ideals and reality with more grace about us.
Elizabeth B. Burton is a licensed professional counselor and life coach with Burton Counseling, PLLC. Elizabeth lives just outside of Chattanooga, TN.; you can learn about Elizabeth here and about services provided here. Elizabeth also provides support to individuals and groups through an online course on Coping with Anxiety & Stress and through providing workshops and speaking opportunities. Elizabeth communicates about mental health and well-being through both the Narrating Hope newsletter and podcast as well as through her writing. Elizabeth would love to connect with you and welcomes you to sign up for the newsletter, listen in to the podcast, reach out about working together, and connect on social media.