Breathing Room in Relationships
Many of us might have heard the age old wisdom that “breathing room” helps relationships, yet it can be difficult to really know what that looks like.
Isn’t it good to be close to people? Yes.
Isn’t it good to connect with others? Yes.
Isn’t it good not to be completely isolated? Yes.
Of course these things are good, yet sometimes relationships can go beyond closeness to something else altogether. In this other sphere, you don’t know where you end and the other begins. There is no separateness or independence. You are fused with another. This is enmeshment or sometimes also referred to as codependency.
Isn’t this ideal for marriage? To be ONE? Or with a best friend?
Yes, but being ONE and/or close to someone still involves some separateness, and some separateness is actually good and healthy. Some separateness means pressing into worthiness that you are a whole person as you are. You are created with your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, opinions, and preferences. This means you have your own VOICE--a voice that is worthy of being exercised and heard. This also means that it is not your job to RESCUE or SOLVE the other person’s problems. They are actually responsible for his or her own choices, and you are responsible for yours.
Sometimes an indicator of an enmeshed relationship is it being like a parent/child relationship when it’s actually a relationship between two adults.
Another indicator of codependency and enmeshment is about focus and obsession. Do you find yourself in a relationship with someone that is taking over your life and your headspace? Sometimes we find ourselves consumed (like falling in love) and yet need to create some healthy space, remembering that we are a whole person outside of this one relationship.
What does this look like? This may mean that you and someone that you are especially close to have different tastes in music, want different foods on a Friday night, may vote for different people, may choose to celebrate holidays differently, etc. This may mean that while you love spending time with this person, it can actually be good for you to sometimes have a little space and independence.
To be in a significantly close relationship with someone, you may want to have enough deeper values and beliefs in sync, but it does not mean that you can not hold space for separateness. Like many things, this is nuanced.
If you recognize that you are in an enmeshed, codependent relationship or in many codependent relationships, is there hope for it to be any other way?
Yes, there is hope for movement towards a more healthy, balanced way of being and yet it is challenging to move from enmeshment to being and operating as two whole, separate people. The process of differentiation can be treacherous, and it is likely to be resisted by the other.
Differentiation involves boundaries, not always pleasing, and not internalizing the other person’s emotions and responses as your own. Putting up boundaries can be hard, you may feel guilt, and if the other person does not like your space and boundaries, they may let you know either directly or indirectly.
This does not mean that you don’t show love, serve, connect, and care for others, but you shift towards doing these things in a healthy way, rather than being guilted into something, being responsible for someone’s happiness, and believing that how someone else is doing emotionally is completely your responsibility, etc.
What about the other extreme...if I create breathing room, does that mean that we will be too distant? It is possible to go so far towards overcorrecting the enmeshment that we become so distant, viewing disconnection as the necessary answer.
As often is the case, the best response may fall in the middle. Even in the middle, there is a wide range of health as we may lean towards enmeshment in our relationships, yet still be healthy or we may lean towards distance, but still be connected with others. It is possible to detach from unhealthy dynamics in a relationship without moving towards total distance. In this way, you are detaching from the power the other person holds over you, but not distancing from the actual relationship.
It’s not that there is a perfect formula or an exact art to healthy relationships, but there are some significant signposts along the way that can help you know you are moving in the right direction--towards differentiation of self, yet connectedness with others.
Is this relationship affecting your basic functioning--consuming you so much that it is hard to rest, affecting your appetite, etc.?
Is your whole sense of worth dependent on how this other person receives you?
Can you listen to someone else who is upset without being upset yourself because they are upset?
Can you express an opinion that is different from someone else’s opinion?
Can you move away from walking on eggshells with this particular person because you let go of worrying so much about their reaction?
Can you separate their emotions and reactions from your own--realizing that you are only responsible for yourself?
Are you free to be yourself in this relationship? Is the other person free to be him/herself?
Do you believe that it’s not your job to please all people at all times?
Do you find yourself always asking permission or apologizing, delicately tiptoeing around someone else’s approval before you make a decision for yourself?
Many times this work of differentiation is hardest among those we are closest with. Often it’s a lot easier to be differentiated in our acquaintance relationships--though it can be plenty challenging in this relational sphere as well. If that’s the case for you, then start small. By taking steps towards wholeness of self with acquaintances, then you may find yourself strengthened to move towards wholeness and differentiation of self within your closest relationships. The goal ultimately is to be a whole person who is connected to others out of wholeness. In making this move towards health, we all may just find that our relationships become more of a source of joy, encouragement, and freedom.
DISCLAIMER: This is written with the intent of reflecting on adult relationships. It can be relevant even for parent/child relationships if children are grown adults or very much moving towards adulthood. It is not about parents and young children as naturally young children have to be dependent on their parents/caretakers.
Elizabeth B. Burton is a licensed professional counselor and life coach with Burton Counseling, PLLC. Elizabeth lives just outside of Chattanooga, TN.; you can learn about Elizabeth here and about services provided here. Elizabeth also provides support to individuals and groups through an online course on Coping with Anxiety & Stress and through providing workshops and speaking opportunities. Elizabeth communicates about mental health and well-being through both the Narrating Hope newsletter and podcast as well as through her writing. Elizabeth would love to connect with you and welcomes you to sign up for the newsletter, listen in to the podcast, reach out about working together, and connect on social media.