How Unspoken and Unmet Expectations Might Be Present in Your Relationships and What Might Help
Have any of you ever found yourself resentful of your spouse or partner? Is this resentment causing your relationships to suffer?
And, yet, the resentment is there…under the surface—like a simmering cauldron. You are sad, hurt, disappointed, and/or angry. It may not be long until you feel yourself about to explode. And you feel this way often as it happens over and over again.
One source of this pattern of resentfulness and even anger may often be EXPECTATIONS.
The significance of expectations in our relationships is huge, especially the significance of unstated expectations.
Anytime you find yourself thinking or saying “you should have….., “ you are speaking from a place of expectations.
This is well and good except for the simple fact that many times we do not share desires, wants, and needs with our partner, so how in the world are they supposed to know our expectations?
Contrary to the super power that many of us think we have, we cannot read our partner’s mind. This means that they, too, cannot read your mind.
This truth means that for your partner to have any chance of meeting your expectations, you have to tell him or her what they are.
This opportunity for clear communication makes me think of one friend of a friend who was about to get married and shared with a group of us how her fiance’ saw her crying one day, and upon seeing her crying he literally turned the other way and walked away. She figured out that a flow chart would be helpful spelling out for her fiance’ what she needed. It went something like “If you see me crying, come check on me, and I will either want you near by or I will want my space.” It went on from there as she spelled out scenarios and jokingly (sort of) told her partner what she needed.
While this friend of my friend did not literally make a written flow chart, she had a good point.
For those of you who are assertive and typically have no problem using your voice, this may come more naturally, but for those of you who hardly ever say what you need, this is going to take some attention and work.
Ideally, if you share what you need or want with your partner, he/she will hear you and possibly do what he/she can to meet those needs within reason (as long as what you are asking for fits with their values, etc.).
If you do not tell your spouse or partner what you need or want, there is hardly any chance of your needs getting met and a high probability that you are going to end up disappointed, frustrated, sad, and resentful.
If this is new territory for you, start with something small. Maybe you speak into what you want or need for the coming weekend or in regards to one thing around the house.
Example, “I LOVE being married to you, and I appreciate you. It would mean a lot to me if you would help me with the LAUNDRY.” (INSERT whatever you need here. BE SPECIFIC!).
Another example.
You want your spouse to plan a dream trip. Most likely this is not just going to happen, possibly leaving you upset, not feeling loved, disappointed, etc.
So, speak up. Tell your person.
“It would really make me happy if we went away for the weekend, and it would mean even more if you planned it.”
DISCLAIMER: Practicing using your voice may feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. It may leave you more frustrated and disappointed in the short term if your partner does not hear you, but press into this discomfort and seek to grow.
Most likely you and your partner will benefit from this improved dynamic that reduces the opportunity for resentment to grow and fester.
You may also consider practicing the reverse. Consider inviting your spouse to communicate with you about his/her needs, wants, and expectations. If you do not know what he/she wants and needs, how are you supposed to make your relationship stronger?
While this particular post is speaking specifically to a romantic type relationship where you live and interact closely with someone (meaning there is a lot of room for connection, but also for conflict, disappointment, resentment, etc.), there are numerous take-aways for our other relationships.
Simply remembering that WE CANNOT READ EACH OTHERS MINDS is a gold nugget that may lead to all of your relationships improving across the board.
Elizabeth B. Burton is a licensed professional counselor and life coach with Burton Counseling, PLLC. Elizabeth lives just outside of Chattanooga, TN.; you can learn about Elizabeth here and about services provided here. Elizabeth also provides support to individuals and groups through an online course on Coping with Anxiety & Stress and through providing workshops and speaking opportunities. Elizabeth communicates about mental health and well-being through both the Narrating Hope newsletter and podcast as well as through her writing. Elizabeth would love to connect with you and welcomes you to sign up for the newsletter, listen in to the podcast, reach out about working together, and connect on social media.