Claiming Calm & Connection in the Chaos
A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to connect with a friend for a porch time conversation around claiming calm and connection in the chaos.
While this conversation around self-care took place during the time of the Coronavirus, I hope that these words and thoughts might be helpful beyond the present moment.
This conversation is especially geared towards moms who are experiencing stress, yet it is just as applicable for any care-takers, helping professionals, and educators who spend their days pouring out into the lives of children.
For many moms pre Coronavirus, self-care might mean leaving home to go do things like get your nails done and go to the gym. Typically, self-care is thought of as things you do away from children as it is time just for you, etc.
While this definition works well at times, it is really limiting. We need to reframe self-care from BIG things to the micro level.
In terms of “small,” think free or less costly as well as “small” in terms of duration of time. Sometimes we just have a couple of minutes, yet those minutes can be impactful.
In this way, self-care is less about this BIG thing that we do and more about small ways that we can integrate self-care into our days.
Ask Yourself: What can I do throughout the day to put myself in a calmer place, so that I can keep pouring out and keep connecting?
If we keep pushing and have an empty cup, there is nothing left to give.
When we do not take care of ourselves, we are much more prone to stress. Stress can affect our bodies. We are such integrated creatures as people and as women. Emotionally, mentally, what we think, what we’re feeling, what we’re doing with our bodies, what we’re eating, how we are sleeping… It’s all connected.
If we reframe self-care from being things we do AWAY from our kids to small things we can do throughout the day even while being home with our kids, it changes our perspective and can help minimize our stress.
One barrier to self-care is feeling selfish and guilty for wanting some time to yourself.
However, it’s possible to claim some time for self-care in a loving way where we still foster connection with our kids. For example:
It’s okay to say “Mom needs some time” We can say this in a loving that way that builds connection. It’s less of “I”m so tired of you,” but moreso, mom needs a minute (or a few!).
We can say: ”I need a few minutes, but I’ll be back, and I can’t wait to see your lego creation” (this works well with older kids or with young kids if someone can help supervise them for a few minutes while you take a quick walk, etc.).
In even just a few minutes, you can claim and choose short measures of self-care—journaling, praying, exercise, deep breaths.
Because anxiety is stored in our bodies, one especially effective measure of self-care is moving our bodies. Even a short walk right outside your home is impactful. You can stay within earshot of your home if you have old enough kids who can yell for you if it’s an emergency.
When we move our bodies, we pivot, we shift, we are able to tap more back into that calm place so that we can have healthy connections with each other. It’s like gold.
As women we often adapt this “push through” mentality. We go to work, we get home and we start caring for our kids. Or if you are a stay at home mom, you just keep pushing through all day with one diaper after another, and one meal after another.
We have to quit calling taking a shower or a bath or taking time to be creative or taking a walk a luxury. These things are just as important as eating a meal or going to sleep. We have to care for ourselves.
We sometimes struggle with the dynamic of pushing through and then becoming fatigued and then taking part in numbing because we can’t take it anymore.
@LindsayBraman on Instagram created a powerful image for emotional regulation that I think many moms can relate to. We have a window of tolerance which is represented by a rainbow, and on one side of the rainbow is a cloud representing an outburst (mom tantrum), and the other side’s cloud represents shutting down, yet not in the most life-giving way as mom is numbing what she is feeling.
If we can recognize that the rainbow representing our window of tolerance is probably shorter for most of us right now (and in times of stress in general) and be in tune with ourselves—almost like having binoculars, but instead of looking out, you practice being in tune with your own self.
Ask yourself: How am I doing right now? Am I calm? Am I in a state of equilibrium? And if I’m not, and I’m feeling that fight, flight, freeze kind of over-reactivity, then I have got to do something. I’ve got to pay attention!
Recognize your triggers and when you/your family are in a pattern that’s not helpful or healthy.
There are a lot of things we can’t do right now, but those are out of our control, so bring it back to what you can control: I can affect the tone of my home. I can take a breath. I can move my body.
In addition to thinking about what’s life-giving for you, think about what’s life-giving for your family.
Sometimes a family walk or bike-ride can offer that opportunity for all family members to shift to a calmer place. We are moving our bodies, and we are in nature, etc. Both scenarios encourage calm. Both activities also allow for an opportunity to connect with each other. And, in this way calm and connection are claimed in the midst of the chaos.
Elizabeth B. Burton is a licensed professional counselor and life coach with Burton Counseling, PLLC. Elizabeth lives just outside of Chattanooga, TN.; you can learn about Elizabeth here and about services provided here. Elizabeth also provides support to individuals and groups through an online course on Coping with Anxiety & Stress and through providing workshops and speaking opportunities. Elizabeth communicates about mental health and well-being through both the Narrating Hope newsletter and podcast as well as through her writing. Elizabeth would love to connect with you and welcomes you to sign up for the newsletter, listen in to the podcast, reach out about working together, and connect on social media.