Experiencing Grief and Loss
Grief and loss are one of the most difficult experiences many of us are ever tasked with. The pain of losing someone we love is excruciating. Often grief is brought about by other losses than death. At times in our lives we find ourselves grieving the loss of a friendship, divorce, break-ups, miscarriage, infertility, as well as the loss of dreams that did not come to fruition the way that we hoped. We grieve dreams we have for ourselves, our families, and our children. We grieve job and financial losses. We grieve losses provoked by addiction. We grieve for lives lost by suicide. We grieve for disease that steals loved ones from us. We grieve traumatic losses that we never saw coming.
At times grief is anticipated, and we can slowly grieve someone we love and even potentially say good-bye and let them know what they mean to us. Other times grief catches us by surprise, off guard, and we are left so vulnerable, shaken to our core in believing that we live in a safe world.
Our culture often tends to deny grief. We struggle as people to truly validate the grief of others, and may find ourselves giving and receiving blanket comfort statements starting with the words “at least.” These words rarely bring comfort.
My favorite quote on grief is “We grieve because we loved.” I am not even sure who to attribute this quote to. It is one that I have internalized and hold onto. It makes me think of C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves when he speaks of vulnerability and yet the goodness of love. “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
A resource that has had a profound impact on me in relation to grief is Henri Nouwen’s Turn my Mourning into Dancing: Hope for Healing in Hard Times. In this book he highlights that “The way out of our loss and hurt is in and through.” -p.7 He encourages us to face and confront our losses, rather than deny our losses. He emphasizes the importance of feeling and experiencing mourning in order to move to a place of more acceptance and gratitude. He also urges us to hold our lives more lightly instead of seeking to control everything. In this we are more able to accept and integrate more easily the unexpected and the profound losses which will occur during our lives.
In all things, a journey through grief is not easy, linear, or straight-forward. There are days of great darkness, and yet buried in there are often cracks of light. For any readers who are grieving, never lose hope and keep walking forward in the midst of the pain. Know that you are not alone, and reach out for help and support if needed. This does not make you weak. Rather, as Brene’ Brown emphasizes in her work, true strength is found in vulnerability.
Elizabeth B. Burton is a licensed professional counselor and life coach with Burton Counseling, PLLC. Elizabeth lives just outside of Chattanooga, TN.; you can learn about Elizabeth here and about services provided here. Elizabeth also provides support to individuals and groups through an online course on Coping with Anxiety & Stress and through providing workshops and speaking opportunities. Elizabeth communicates about mental health and well-being through both the Narrating Hope newsletter and podcast as well as through her writing. Elizabeth would love to connect with you and welcomes you to sign up for the newsletter, listen in to the podcast, reach out about working together, and connect on social media.