Claiming Margin Through Setting Boundaries and Acknowledging Limits
Imagine reading a page of words without some white space around the edges. How would we even process the words if they were so crowded that nothing stands out? Similarly with our lives, we have so much that is competing for our time, yet everything is not equal. Some things are a priority, and other things are not. When we can name our priorities and let go of some other things, we are more likely to experience margin, which is the equivalent of taking a breath. Margin does not happen by accident; typically we have to claim it through setting boundaries and acknowledging our limits.
As we make the transition to a new school year, boundaries and limits come to mind as especially relevant. School years can appeal for so many reasons particularly if you find you and/or your family ready for some structure and routine, yet with the opportunity for routine, it’s also the beginning of a plethora of activities and programs calling for your involvement and attention.
And please hear me, so many of these things may be incredible opportunities for you and/or your kids to connect, grow, serve, learn, and play. Yet how do we distinguish between what are often good things to know what is worthy of our yes and what might be a no for now?
Concepts to Consider
Link your nos to your yes.
In order to have a true, authentic yes which looks like committing to things and people whole-heartedly, we have to say no to some things. When we say no to some things, it helps us press more deeply into our authentic yes. This simple concept of linking our nos to what we are saying yes to goes a long way in grounding and fortifying us when we need to set boundaries and limits.
Remember the lens of seasons.
While some commitments may carry more weight and be a longer commitment than a season, many are just for a season.
What kind of season are you in? Are you needing more connectedness, engagement, fun, service, and meaning in your life? If so, what might be worthy of your yes?
Are you burnt out? Stretched? Exhausted? With zero free time and margin? If so, consider whether you might need more white space in your life that allows for some solitude, quiet, time to regroup, rest, and reflect. What might be a no for now to allow for some margin?
Remember that the boundary lines are not fixed.
You can assess and reevaluate and shift your yeses and your nos. Sometimes we need more structured boundary lines, and other times we can navigate boundaries with more flexibility as we can intuitively say no when we need to.
Align your inner world and outer choices.
Just because you can, does not mean you should or you have to. Take stock of your inner state. Are you motivated by “shoulds” and “have tos”? What do you want to participate and commit to? What is life-giving? What can you engage in with a more glad heart and readiness? When we align our inner and outer worlds, it’s significant.
Often we feel resentment towards others for a boundary we have not set.
Notice if you feel resentful on the inside, angry that someone even asked you to consider leading or volunteering for this or that. If so, pay attention. No one is going to say no for you. It’s your job to voice your decision if something is not a good fit or if it’s not the right time.
Your boundaries and limits do not make you deficient or a person of less capacity.
Your boundaries and limits will look different than others. Every person is wired differently in terms of their personalities and what feels life-giving to them. Everyone also has different resources and values. Beware of comparison and negative self-talk that you are not “doing” enough.
Boundaries and limits are part of being a healthy person.
So many of us operate under sweetness and pleasing others that it is extremely difficult to come out from under this. When we set a boundary, we may feel mean, we may feel bad, and we may worry others will not be happy with us. The reality is that having boundaries and limits is a significant part of being a healthy, whole person.
Margin makes rest possible.
By claiming margin, you are more likely to be have a posture that is ready to rest and be refreshed. If you are incredibly exhausted, pay attention and focus first on claiming some margin. You will then be more ready to experience the gift of rest and a more sustainable rhythm of life that allows for rest.
For Reflection
What are you saying an authentic yes to for this season?
What do you need to say no to in order to press more into your yes?
What does it look like to say yes to yourself and your deeper needs and longings as you consider your boundary lines?
For parents, reflect on the concepts above for you as a person. Then pan out and consider your child and your family as a whole.
Elizabeth B. Burton is a licensed professional counselor with Burton Counseling, PLLC. In addition to counseling, Elizabeth provides life coaching, courses/workshops, and writing. You can learn more about the course on Coping with Anxiety & Stress here, and if you are interested in workshops, you can learn more here.
Elizabeth provides online counseling to individual adults living in Tennessee, Mississippi, and Georgia. Elizabeth provides in person counseling for individuals located near Chattanooga, TN. You can learn more about counseling with Elizabeth here.
Elizabeth provides life coaching to individual adults and couples living anywhere. Life coaching services are available online, and in person coaching is available for individuals located near Chattanooga, TN. You can learn more about life coaching with Elizabeth here.
In her free time, Elizabeth enjoys reading and shares book recommendations for adults here and for children here.