Let's Talk Feelings: Both Permission to Feel & Containment Strategies for Overwhelming Feelings
Permission to Feel:
Sometimes one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and others is permission to feel. In this way, there is a sense of NORMALIZING feelings as we are created to feel. Permission to feel is connected to SELF-COMPASSION, and it involves being compassionate towards yourself as you feel what you feel.
In this way, it's helpful to visualize feelings as waves, coming and going, washing over you, yet as strong as your feelings and emotions are, remember that you are rooted and grounded even amidst the hardest and most painful of emotions. Keep in mind as you are feeling that there is light at the end of the emotional tunnel--even in the most intense of emotions.
Permission to Feel May Look Like:
Grounding-Sometimes we begin to feel emotionally by simply beginning with our five senses. Becoming more aware of sensations of where we are and what's going on around us can help unlock a sense of aliveness both physically and emotionally.
Crying-Let those tears fall without shame. Tears are purposeful in the expression of emotion and with emotional regulation.
Naming-Even if you are experiencing mixed emotions, and it's complicated to seek to name your feelings, consider the power simply in saying "I'm sad and relieved," "I'm grateful and worried," "I'm angry and hurt," etc.
Writing--Pen to paper is a powerful form of expression in externalizing our thoughts and emotions.
Talking--Share about what you are feeling with someone you trust, who gives you space to feel what you feel.
Points for Reflection:
Check your Self-Talk. What kind of message are you telling yourself about your feelings? HINT--if the message is one of condemnation, leading to feelings of shame, consider a gentler message and the movement towards reframing the narrative. For example, if your innermost thoughts are something like this, "What's wrong with me? I shouldn't feel this way." Consider, what a gentler, reframe might be. Notice how the reframe is softer, more accepting, and less harsh, and sit with how this kind of thinking feels different.
Cultivate Emotional Attunement. If you are more of a thinker or a doer, consider simply beginning to notice and name your emotions. By building your emotional attunement and noticing the emotions in yourself with more acceptance, you are naturally giving yourself more grace to feel what you feel. As you experience this, you may see this dynamic benefit your relationships as you are able to make more space for the emotions of others.
Reach out for Support. Feelings are intense, and as you give yourself permission to feel, it's important to know that you are not alone. Support can take various forms, but consider what support you need.
Permission NOT to Feel:
This sounds like the last thing you might hear from a counselor, yet there is something to this. For many of us and in different seasons, particularly of heartbreak, grief, and trauma felt so profoundly, it is so difficult to withstand the degree of feeling emotions AT ALL TIMES.
This is relevant when feelings are so intense that it's like you are living in the full force of feeling all things, all the time. In this way, it can actually be healthy and purposeful to take a break, to give yourself permission not to feel. This is like realizing that you do not have to attend to all things equally all the time.
In an extreme sense, this can look like numbing out, but this is not about numbing, it's more about intentional breaks related to CONTAINMENT. Containment is about trusting that there is a place that big feelings can be temporarily held.
Sometimes we need permission to enter a more neutral terrain emotionally, so that we can catch our breath and recover. Visualize an Appalachian Trail hiker who is working so hard to traverse the terrain physically (in this case think about the emotional journey), yet who occasionally needs to pause and regroup.
Permission NOT to Feel May Look Like:
Watching a funny movie
Intentionally choosing not to talk about something, so to give yourself a break from the processing
Protecting some time for fun and play, so that you can actually laugh
Making a list of worries and then closing the journal or notebook
Staying in metaphor when sharing about something vulnerable
Choosing expressive arts, something like making a collage, and letting the collage hold how you feel
Sometimes we benefit from TEMPORARILY putting our feelings in a container.
The world of sandtray is much about containment--in this way a therapist may ask a child or an adult to create a world in the sand using various figures and objects. With the sandtray containing the world there is more of a sense of safety and mastery, so that what feels out of control begins to feel a little more manageable.
Points for Reflection:
Permission to feel necessitates a felt sense of safety. Sometimes we are so flooded with emotions that do not feel safe to us. This may be a clue that we need refreshment and a return to safety. When we are feeling safe, we may then be ready to circle back to feeling more and then processing those feelings.
Counseling can sometimes help serve as a space both to feel and process and as a space for refreshment and containment.
There's kind of a dance going on here, a flowing back and forth from permission to feel to sometimes needing permission not to feel. As you grow more attuned with your emotional state, you are more in a position to recognize what you need.
Elizabeth B. Burton is a licensed professional counselor and life coach with Burton Counseling, PLLC. Elizabeth lives just outside of Chattanooga, TN.; you can learn about Elizabeth here and about services provided here. Elizabeth also provides support to individuals and groups through an online course on Coping with Anxiety & Stress and through providing workshops and speaking opportunities. Elizabeth communicates about mental health and well-being through both the Narrating Hope newsletter and podcast as well as through her writing. Elizabeth would love to connect with you and welcomes you to sign up for the newsletter, listen in to the podcast, reach out about working together, and connect on social media.